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These words consume her, but they never set her free. [entries|friends|calendar]
★ Miss Jæ ★

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January 17th, 2006]
so i started to delete all my entries
so that i could start new
but someoneee gave me a brilliant idea...

so i have a new livejournal!!!!!

add me....love me

when im sewed up, here comes another papercut... [Tuesday,
August 16th, 2005]
[ mood | ...eventually. ]

This Entry is OH so public...
I've come to the conclusion that I have a lot of people that really care about me. and it makes me so happy to know that I am a sweetheart, cause I only thought my mommy called me that. But no seriously, thanks to everyone. I'm really ok now. I probably have some people that I need to sit down and chat with, but the time will come when it's ready. Until then, I'm turning eighteen on Sunday, and I'll be down at the cape. Monday I have to drive home by myself, and I am wicked scared. If there is any brave soul who wants to meet me half way so I don't cry, I'll love you forever. Or something much like it, cause I'm not sure about love right now. But thanks, I don't need to thank the same people again, because I'm more than sure they know who they are.

P.S. Why did you look at me like that? Isn't this what you wanted?
P.P.S. Good Luck Thursday Phil!
P.P.P.S. I'm ok. I promise.

Here's something that, if you care about me at all, you'll read...

songs that changed my lifeCollapse )

can't you see, that the charade is over? [Monday,
August 8th, 2005]
[ mood | indifferent ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
If you are reading this, and only this you arent my friend....
Or you have been deleted as my friend.
Sorry for you, maybe it was the right move!
Otherwise, you are probably still my friend, so wipe away the tears.

This is just a reminder...
So you can apprechiate the priviledge you have, hahaha.
If that's not the case, and you'd like to be added...COMMENT.

which mean girl am i?Collapse )


why put a new address, on the same old loneliness? [i.wont] [Thursday,
June 16th, 2005]
[ mood | ..why is he nervous? ]

    [[I do b.e.l.i.e.v.e it's pretty self explanatory...but I'll try....]]

          i now              know
         sometimes   youjustgot
              to be the quiet 1
                 even though

                        ...Special one's to hear what you say.

o.k. mybfmademedoit.


...he's the only one I've got. [Wednesday,
June 15th, 2005]
[ mood | ...I'm poofy. ]

[h o l y c r a p] thisreallysucks.
I miss my boyfriend, I miss my friends, I miss my car
..........and I miss the normal shape of my face............

So yea, i got my wisdom teeth removed on monday. They gave me laughing gas, that was...AWESOME. I'd go back again just for that. But nah, the meds they gave me made me wicked sick, so i'm trying to recover, and my face keeps fluctuating between insanely poofy and not so poofy but poofy just the same. My mouth hurts, and I can't believe sarah bryant kinda had to go through this twice. Because I never want surgery again. I cannot wait until next week when im working during the day [which blows] and chilling with my hopelessly emo boyfriend [haha babe, bit u in the butt.]
...Altough he's not that emo anymore. He's emo at heart, but his style has shifted alot. He wore a black redsox fitted a black white and grey long polo jeans, and diamond stud in his not so gauged ear, and he looked wonderful. But his style is all his own. Cause he still rocks the band tees and all of what makes him, him. IT"S ALL GOOD. [ I realize no one gives a rats ass about that, but hey this is my update. ]
Got into a huge arguement with one of my "old-friends" yesterday. Which escalated to me quoting one of my best friends...
Make like a tree, and go fuck yourself.

So what will I do today? Absofuckinlutely nothing.
Victor Johnson U need to go 2 the Hosptial KID
Sarah Bryant I love you soo much bebe.
Joseph Stasio U Rok My World.

If.I.Had.2.Chose.Him /or\ The *Sun*


....what do you want for your birthday? [Sunday,
June 12th, 2005]
[ mood | ...on clouds. ]

Happy Birthday Joseph Evan Stasio!
baby, happy 18th, and hopefully this isnt the last birthday of yours that we have together.Muah sweetheart.

tonight was a good nite. we [being 'them folks in black and white'...cause we all color cordinated ourselves by accident some how...], bobby, vic, joe n i went to hampton beach and set off some fire works...you could really feel like the summerness creepying in. and im wicked excitied because this is going to be a good ass summer i can already tell. then we drove around for a while, while bobby was yellin 'car head' at the people in front of us, after the guy swerved off the road and such..hadta be there...
overall good nite, good day...its just be really good lately. so tomorrow i should be seeing my baby in the morning when i drop off his g.i.f.t <--just cant wait to get rid of it. and then monday the wisdom teeth come out...so nervous!

ugh im happy.


...every time our eyes meet [Saturday,
June 11th, 2005]
[ mood | giddy ]

I just got home from a lovely evening with joseph stasio. Im happy. Yes sir, im giddy.
Baby-we need to get together and watch The Breakfast Club soon.

i need an eraser...Collapse )


...all the stupid lines, that he had ever heard... [Thursday,
June 9th, 2005]
[ mood | artistic ]

i just cleaned the attic, it was an interesting adventure. i found all my old art stuff, i forgot how good i was, lol i know that sounds wicked concieted, but i dont suck, lets just say that. i found madd old art supplies and shit, its cool, its like a trip down memory lane. then i cleaned my closet, or now as it is known....the spoon eating portal of hell. i found 6 spoons in my closet. how the hell did spoons get in my closet?
yesterday was a good day, went to school to english and peace&justice finals, and then i was done! they were easssyyyy. then i went to joes house for a hour or so until victor got out of work, and we went and got my car inspected. special thanks to victor for takin care of my car for me, big help! then we went to joes house waitin for bobby...which never worked out because then it was like the fuckin sky opened up, and it was pouring...so we went to the mall alone [vic, joe, n i] joe got a buncha stuff for work, which vic and i picked out for him, hes going to look so nice in his casual ghetto work clothes, hehehe. no hatin he wanted it. then they got new sneaks'...and joseph got me a new ramones tee, ya i love it hehehe. and he got me sunglasses and earrings lol...hes insane i wouldnt have bought myself all that stuff...he got a stud for his ear too, its no longer gauged...no more napkin ring lol. his mom must be happy.
overall its been a good ass couple of days.
today i finished all that, i got *something* else i gotta do [<---big secret!!], then ima shower take shane to baseball, and go get a cd holder for my car [i <3 having my own ride its too hot], and then go see joe for an hour or so, then on to wacks. ya it sounds like fun huh? riiiggghhtt.

Wherever you go, ill be waiting
...whenever you call, ill be there
......whatever it takes, ill make your darkest days...so bright.

you still make me so happy every minute of everyday, so thank you. thank you so much baby.

--->sarah bryant we are getting together this summer!!

<3 <--Jae.


...and these are the lives you'd love to lead [Tuesday,
June 7th, 2005]
[ mood | ...im jumping out of my skin. ]

summers coming, and the air screams in an inpenitrable silence, that change is taking shape...
         he's happy, and shes happier but cant figure out why. the puzzle peices her fragile mind spoke of earlier took shape and molded into something so insanely beautiful that its tearing her up inside. she cant figure out which way is supposed to be up, nor is she ready to. shes waiting to hear something, but she cant figure out what it is, and sometimes, when they talk she can hear it in his voice, and its scarey because her mind speaks it quietly back to her. she pushes it away laughing though, filing it into a tightly knitted box, for just another day.
         she's smiling at no one, and loves it. because this smile is real, and sincere, and she cant let go of it. his eyes tell some kind of sick and twisted story that only she can understand, like a quiet and unspoken language, that has yet to be discovered. when they are together, and he presses her forehead to hers, their nose touching almost slightly, she can close her eyes and feel what hes thinking. she can, because whatever she is, conicides beautifully with what ever it is that he has to say in that moment. so she reaches out and hugs him, and wonders if he finds it odd, how she just grabs hold of him at seemingly odd moments and pulls him close to her in embrace. nothing premiscuous about that moment, infact its just a hug. but it keeps them close emotionally, without letting go of the physical. its human, and its safe, and she cant seem to be without it.
          thats the thing, the without-ness shes afraid of. because some realization struck her that day, layin there alone with him. as to why she was there. and it's not because she wanted to be. not because she needed the solace that he brought with him and his smile, she was with him, simply because she couldnt  imagine herself ever NOT being. and she stopped caring what anyone else thought within that moment, and again when she fell asleep on his shoulder. she threw caution to the wind, because shes happy.
eh so summer is on the way, and plans are starting to become something which is good because we definately have an awesome summer ahead of us, with all of us *hopefully* driving, we can go places, and do things like never before. oh its on! im happy 2 finally start to see all my friends happy again and as soon as matt gets everything figured out, which im praying that he does, its going to be awesome. i truely love my nbpt crew, hehe they made me realize that i needed to get over myself and realize i could have fun here, soo, thank you guys so much.
school is almost over, and i couldnt be happier, 2 more days, and wednesday im DONE, uh i cant wait to be rid of that place for 3 months, it gets to a point around this time where the cement walls and landsend uniforms start to suffocate you.
ah im so happy right now ive been smiling into the emptiness for days now. finals are going on, and when i finish early, which is inevitable, i just kinda sit ther doodling my emotions on to the test paper, its remarkable what developes, but im happy. HE MAKES ME SOOO HAPPY! ...i cant get over it, nor do i want to.

         "Un minuto es un eternidad
         Asi es un dia sin tí
         (Asi es un dia sin tí)
         Y sin embargo no puedo vivir
         Cambiando todo por ti"

so, its kisses for him, as they will always be
and daps for all the rest.

signing off,


the greatest fan of your whole life.... [Saturday,
June 4th, 2005]
[ mood | ...w/out ME its just AWESO ]

prom was absolute awesome-ness, had a great time with my bebe, he looked soo handsome! [hermoso bebe, oh yea.]
the pictures are gorgeous, he's going to put them on his lj so u can look at them there, im no putting them on mine, because my mommy would be angry. anyway, it was a good nite, and bobby definately out danced everyone. very impressive i must say. lorna and bobby looked great too, everyone did, except unda-pants girl [could see her underwear through her dress...] and pineapple girl [dress looked like a giant yellow pineapple.] went back to joes, and looked at the stars on his trampoline all wrapped up in blankets for a while, then we all fell asleep watchin some movie about a cab. lovely night, wicked tired still, got home a 4ish and didnt really sleep...went to school at 6.45 and worked till 9.30 pm. yeaaa not fun, i have no reccollection of yesterday.
today is joes graduation party, going to meet the whole family! oh yea, you dont have to say it. i know. anyway thats going to be fun, but right now i am really putting off studying, and i really need to go study for a coupla hours.

one love 2 my true thugs.

muah, jae-9

((more behind the LJ cut...))Collapse )


an object in motion, will stay in motion... [Wednesday,
June 1st, 2005]
[ mood | excited ]

ah! prom tomorrow...good lord. but baby im ready.
last day of classes today for me, ive got a couple tomorrow, but for me today was the real end. i met some people this year that i never thoguht that i would [just got my nails done, they are too long i cant type]. and i met them because central decided to be a b.i.t.c.h and take 20 something juniors out of 276 and shove us in a lunch at 10.30 in the morning with 200 something freshman. but we bonded together, because we were forced quite quickly to grow accustom to eachother. throughout the next ten months we would bond together everyday through our lunch period, our study and our hysterical 45 minutes of physics. i truely love you guys, but unfortunately, im mildly sick of you. i jus want to thank each and every one of you, for being there because we truely bonded together when we lost a member of our faithful "team". we were the 'different' juniors, forced to forge our own path without our other classmates, and when we lost him, we bonded together even more. we joined so closely that we became star wars characters at the end of the year. [me being the apparent evil one...darth vader, with my trusty side kick, channa, or should i say emporer.] special love to my sarah! hun u rok. i love you guys, and ill miss you!
so yea, prom is tomorrow nite. geesh, its going to be insane.

baby, we're doin amazin.
...or should i say Jack...

<3b[e]s[o]s<3<--to jack and the physics crew.
-Sally/Darth- [jae.]

...and though i make mistakes, ill never break you heart...i swear.


hit em wit a lil ghetto gospel... [Monday,
May 30th, 2005]
[ mood | tired ]

ok, im about to fuckin pass out, i dont know about anyone else.
i know vics going on 3 hours of sleep for the past two days. nice man.
holy s h i t what a fuckin crazy ass weekend lemme tell you. friday, out to lunch with string bean then to joes, then work. satuday, worked at 9 am, till 3pm, then went home wrote a stupid ass essay and victor picked me up to go to joes, got there, joe and bobby gone, went wit matt to go get gas and shit, then on to vics later. that nite, party at victors.---->bobby, lorna, victor, sheila, joe n me, i of course was the only sober one there, maddd funny. but no one cares so thats all good....jenga!...good nite all the same. [especially joe tellin the pool table she was beautiful...picture it.] stayed there till whenever, then came home. sunday up at 9 am again for work, then came home, cleaned, and then movies with bobby, victor, matt, and yes of course joe. so we saw...yea i cant remember what its called fuck it...and then we were bored so we went to wendy's. what insued was basically a in-vehicle food fight all over fuckin newburyport. vic and bobby vs. matt joe n me. in the end we had 2 cars covered with half of the food off the wendy's menu, apple sauce, eggs, ketchup, salad dressing, marinara sauce, you name it. vics car also had chocolate on it too. it was madd fun. today....joe came over at 11 and we started cleaning my smelly ass car [shit cleans up nice you'd be surprised] and then vic showed up and we finished the car and had to clean out my garage. im glad they were there to help. then vics to watch 8mile.
uh, im sooo fuckin exausted.
...and the shit dont end either. crazy ass week ahead. last week before finals at school, and oh yea, the fuckin prom. which is going to be awesome, but its also gunna be hectic gettin all that shit together this week. so thats thrusday, friday sleepin...ALLL DAY, then saturday i got joes graduation party, then prolly off 2 vics for a while, if i know us.
h. o. l. y. crap, ima be dead by next week.  its been nice ya'll.



and i've stil got three days to go..... [Saturday,
May 28th, 2005]
[ mood | amused ]

ohh look what my boyfriend did? isnt it pretty? i have to go to work in like, 2 hours, and i dont know why i just woke up this early since im going to be out at victors tonight till wicked late. eh well im an idiot. but im a happy idiot. [first kinda summer party!]
yesterday was such a good day! went out to lunch with kat [string bean]. we went to acapulcos, wicked funny, she was talkin to all the waiters in spanish. she looked so nice, gettin all ready for graduation. then her and i went to joes and we chilled there for a few, then she left me there and joe and i hung out for like 4 hours. lovely really. we watched garden state, so good. and then went out on the trampoline for a while. it was fun because mark and his mum were out there chilling with us. good time. then i went to work, that blew some ass.
well i jus found out my friend brian doesnt wannna talk to me anymore, because the only way we can talk is through email, and i dont know what to tell him, because he doesnt call people, and niether do i, so he jus fuckin decides to cut off communication with me? this blows cause i love the kid to death. damn.

be easi.
[baby, can u change my font? and you cant see my friends or info links?]


shut the fuck up all of you... [Friday,
May 27th, 2005]
[ mood | pissed off ]

                                               oh my god im going to shoot someone.
                                                    my life is none of your buisness, and you kno who im talking to.
                                                        but then again im flattered your so interested in what the hell im doing.
                                                            go ruin somebody elses life, jus not anyone i care about.

                 look...i cant change the way i think.and i cant change the way i am. but if i offended you? good. CAUSE I STILL DON'T GIVE A FUCK.[em]


...ill be your number one with a bullet. [Thursday,
May 26th, 2005]
[ mood | chipper ]

...just got home from the mall. victor and joe took a adventure to lawrence and picked me up at my gangsta ass  school. [now all the people i love have met him! *nade and steph*] we went to the mall, and victor bought a shirt that says "stop snitchin'" and joe got a gauge that looks like the thing you put around napkins its so huge. ohhh so could put napkins in joe's ear! i got my jewerly for prom. its simple. but elegant. we went to taco bell and joe ate hamburger. you heard it here....hes definately not a vegetarian, and thats good, because he'll start remembering shit [brainwashing is bad!! cough cough]. lol [i love his mom so much!!!!]
...OH i also paid for victor to get his ear peirced, its very gangsta. looks mad good. [his early bday present.]
joe and victor liked my car. thank god. ...i still need a name tho?
now im downloading like 8 of joes cds on to my iPod. its a party. this death cab for cutie stuff is interesting.



feelin like you gotta sneak your way into heaven... [Wednesday,
May 25th, 2005]
[ mood | journalistic ]

oh lord i'm back to writing again, wrote this today at 11:10am...
   something wonderful happened within that moment, and he looked at her and she knew more than anything. like a princess from a fairy tale the peices slowly began to spill together. quite remarkably, none of them really made much sense when it was together, but she understood. and understood happily, for, for no reason at all, she was safe again.  she felt warmth and triumph over take her. how could something so different, be so comfortably similar, she would ask herself when the light clicked off and the wires that held them together separated. when they no longer lay alone together.

   she was here and he was there and she couldnt help but wonder. but wonder as she did, she still couldnt find any answers. he scared her, deep within her heart she knew this.  he scared her because of the perfection of each and every moment that they were alone together, each and every moment she smiled. there really wasnt any intense neccesity to smile, yet she did it just the same.  tears lacked emotion, even today.

   today as the rain fell. it hadn't ever rained like this before, but she submissively understood. he loved the rain like she did. loved the quiet noise, the comfort that the rain could bring. such comfort, to many, was easily misunderstood, but he picked up the peices, he understood. rain took awayteh silence. the silence that consumed her mind in the moments of understanding. rain meant, to her, that someone else was thinking. as it rained, and the puddles formed along the streets, the water brought with it comfort, as it poured and splashed on the sidewalk.  never once was the water blue, never did it evoke a certain color, the clear purity of it meant something new to her, something she watched in him.

   but he? he was blue. although nothing physical about him was ever blue. his eyes were a hazel that shined like the sands of the beaches she'd dreamed about, they were light yet comforting within warm satin shadows. his hair was  the same. as if it fit to match. she envied his uniqueness.  her with her brown hair and feirce brown eyes. he wore nothing blue. yet the hazel freckles in his toffee eyes made her think of the oceany blue that ran along the beaches in his hazel eyes. he looked so good in blue.

[for the record there was no choking involved, so shush.]
i dont know why i write, i think its to get some kind of answer to the questions that are spinning through my mind every second of every day. its oh so confusing. lyfe is getting quite good im finding, all the peices are starting to fit like a puzzle.

          "life is a beautiful struggle
            people search through the rubble
            for a suitable hussle
            some people usin the noodle
            some people usin the muscle
            some put it all together...
            make it fit like a puzzle."
-talib kweli

in the end i get what you jus read, and it doesnt make sense unless you really kno me, and understand how my mind spins.
tomorrow will be good, friday will be good, saturday will be good, everything will be good. we'll be good, i swear.

...its like a cigarette in the mouth
....or a handshake in the door way
......i look at you, and smile
..........because im fine. [theKILLERs]


the angel from my nightmare [Tuesday,
May 24th, 2005]
[ mood | crappy ]

just read his backdated entires and im feeling guilty. i miss you. because i havent really gotten a chance to talk to you, and i understand, because i want you to do well, so im prayin you do, so this summer can come like it is supposed to and we can enjoy the warm nights. victors for parties, its really on, and chillin downtown like we kids do. just do well, and ill miss you, but when thursday comes, ill be here waiting.
thursday should be fun, vic, bobby, matt and joe pickin me up, mall trip. joe needs a new gauge. should be see through. which is cool, because then i can see my pinky finger on the other side, and for some reason that keeps me mildly happy.
got a car=buick century! kinda old, its white with a blue cloth roof, but its mine, and its good just for that reason. [oh a joe will fit in it, i couldnt see him squishing into the civic, even though that was an oh so sexy car.] gotta wait till the end of the week to be able to drive it, but hopefully it will allow me to go to victors party for a while, because i dont know about dheui, and im the good girl who has to go home while the boys get drunk. so ill take my car home....ill let joe name it.
...im going to go lay in bed with my ipod on, and wait till god knows what time when i can talk.

i miss you.


ill be your best kept secret... [Monday,
May 23rd, 2005]
[ mood | artistic ]

keep quiet...

i've been going for a while but i feel like i have said nothing so im going to now i suppose. life is good, its crazy, and its spinning more than it ever has but i finally feel like i have some control, which i havent had in the longest. its like all this black cloudy-ness that was converging over my head and following me around everywhere i went is starting to let up. all which is mildly ironic because i dont think it has stopped raining in like a week. but i digress. sometimes things just start to fit together and you come to realize things which fall into play with other things, that slip and slide and suddenly you've got this wonderful beautiful mess. a mess with which i can playfully title my mind because right now its going in about thirty different directions.

part of me is simply happy because i can finally see some kind of mediocre light at the end of the tunnel, as ironic as that sounds. beacuse when one thinks of that all-too-often-spoke-of light it usually refers to some kind of ending, dont go towards the light kind of situation. but in the end its nothing like that, at the end its just more mess, but this time the mess falls together in a beautiful fashion and then you cant find which way is up, but your comfortable among the wreck. thats how it is with him. you'd have to know who we are to understand. we're a mess. we're completely different with our morals and our beliefs but its ok, because somewhere we found some unspoken common ground and that works for us, for god knows what reason. he, tries to be a vegetarian [but thats a mind trick pushed on by her, no names needed to emphasize the point.], he wears band tees, likes to get hammered, and doesnt mind nail polish. i, couldnt live without meat [in a vain attempt to get inside his head i tried it for a day, it was mildly painful i must say], dont drink, and i have some sick intense fear of nail polish of color. the list goes on but thats the point....

theres all this messyness our differences have created, but i find some kind of weird and far from average solace within the fact that each of us is bringing something new to the table, and neither one of us minds. we've got some kind of solid balance within our friends too. bringing friends from two different walks of life together would have proven difficult, but instead that crisis was averted within victor matt and bobby who hold us together.

life got good at some point and i couldn't be happier. at some point i smilied and realized that the smile was my own, because at some point i realized that instead of rock bottom, im finally moving up, and there is no place i'd rather be. because at somepoint, ill know that it can only get better from here.

so i started it today...you'll understand in the end....and its nostalgic, and comforting and a reminder of the fact that i've still got it, and everything looks...

...so good in blue.



stars in my eyes that shine fa him... [Saturday,
May 21st, 2005]
[ mood | satisfied ]

hey, time for the weekly, whats going on and shit...
yea interesting week, nothing really happened, it was the last time that string bean brought me home. i love that girl so much we have the illest relationship, i swear like i can tell that girl anything. string bean is kat by the way, ima miss u hun!!!
so i bet everybody is wondering about mr. joe because i jus like to talk about him, and not tell anyone anything, beacuse im private like that. i duno its just good, its hard to explain but sometimes shit jus works, and then the peices of your life kinda jus fall together for no reason, and its ok, because you realize how much they mean to you, even though you may not want them meaning that much sometimes, because that means that you've changed, and your not ready for that, but i guess i am. irregardless of the differences, the changes are for the better, and im going to try this whole new thing out.
...to give u some inclination of how different we are, he told me he was emo....and i had no idea what that was, it thought it was a bird or something, apparently thats emuuuu. yea big difference. well hes different, and its good....yea its good.
prom '05 is going to be interesting, fun and crazi but interesting, still no idea what the hell is going on.
well its 12:30 and im still on the phone with joe and hes tired, so im going to abandon you all for him, because im heartless like that. jus kiddin.

matt-stay strong kid, its love, its not supposed to work.


results of mine and joes nightly ritual....good lordy. [Wednesday,
May 18th, 2005]
[ mood | loved...[joe decides] ]

just had the oddest conversation with joe...but i love it.
we were talking about names that we are going to name our pets, he decided (long story) that he was going to name his dog 'foot'. but at some point it came to be that he was going to name is emo-like fish 'foot' instead, and then we were talkin about how fish dont die of overeating but of the mold at the bottom of their tanks...

me: yea your fish dies cause of the mold
joe: yea they'll ask, how'd your fish die?
            ...Athlete's foot.

get it. haha struck me as way funni and i needed to share it.
matt im prayin for you and dezi you and ya fam are contiually in my prayers.
hi emu, baby.


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